She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
