I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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