I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
