dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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