I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
