I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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