I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have fence marks all over my body
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
