It was confusing and full of hummus
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
