last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
