Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
