her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
