i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
