I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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