i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
