Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
