my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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