I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
