yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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