Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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