a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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