wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
