Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
