I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
