The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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