I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
