i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
