i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the day after is always just damage control
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
