Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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