We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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