I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
