oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
