Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
