I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
