I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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