Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
