I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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