I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
