This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
