I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
