So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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