Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
