idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
