peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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