You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
