the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
