I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
