Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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