I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
