you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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