Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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